You Know My Name
by TheCrimsonAuthoress
Summary: Kylo Ren is aboard the Supremacy, Supreme Leader of the Galaxy, beholden to no one. But some voices never disappear, even in death. One-shot.


**You Know My Name**

He sat aboard the Supremacy, gazing at the saber he held between two black-gloved hands. His chambers were quiet. The only sound he could hear beyond the thick metal door was the distant rhythm of white boots upon polished metal as stormtroopers patrolled the ship.

_Click, click, click, click_.

_One, two, one, two._

Sometimes the beats helped him to anchor his own swirling thoughts. Tonight, they were irritating. They reminded him that, for all appearances, he had nothing in order. The spaces between the beats left him too much alone with his own thoughts.

Except that his weren't the only ones in his mind. He couldn't remember the last time he had had a thought that was his very own. It had probably happened so long ago, he hadn't been old enough to know what a precious gift it was. Since then, voices had crept in on his consciousness: Snoke's, his grandfather's, his uncle's, and then…..Rey's.

He shuddered. Thinking about her was painful, and he didn't have the energy tonight to dwell on it. Like a body, a mind could only take so much torture in one day.

_He_ had different ideas, however. This voice rose, unbidden, to the fore of his mind.

_How many lives now?_

He still held the saber, but he wasn't seeing it. He was hearing the sounds it made: the crackle of the unstable red beam. The thrum of its blade slicing through the cold forest air. The screams it created when it cut families apart. The pain of pushing it into—

The feel of it in his hands when he had fought _with_ her, instead of against her.

He'd created and destroyed so often, he no longer seemed to know where the line between them stood. But _he_ did. He knew which deaths weighed heavily on Kylo's soul. And he lost no time in badgering Kylo again.

_No_, thought Kylo angrily, his mental voice snarling. _I killed you. You have no power over me anymore. None! I am the Supreme Leader of the First Order, ruler of the galaxy_. But he knew he was getting roped into the same argument he had night after night with this shadow. All the power he had taken could not keep this voice at bay. It was as relentless in death as it had been in life.

He had fallen so far, so far from everything he had wanted to be. Now, he felt like he had halted briefly on a jagged ledge. He was on the edge of a precipice, and the draining part was that the feeling never let up, never abated, hadn't lessened one iota, not since he had heard the first whisper of Snoke in his mind, not since he had seen his uncle standing over him with murder in his eyes, not since he had held out his hand to her, thinking for one shining moment that he could escape this miasma, with her help, and she had refused it…

He shook his head again. Snoke had made him powerful where he had felt weak. Luke had only confirmed Snoke's assertions that his family would never understand, never embrace the opportunities of The Dark. And the girl…she had only come because she wanted to turn him to The Light, like he could be forgiven for what he'd done, could be used to the Resistance's advantage. Just another tool. Just like all the others who had claimed to care for him in years past.

And yet, there had been something in her eyes that night they had touched, when he felt almost certain that she saw the man behind the mask…someone worth saving just because of who he was.

_And if I don't want to be saved? _thought Kylo Ren. _What then? I chose this, I accept The Dark, I want it._

He almost believed his own words.

It was all too much. He felt the fear, the anger, the denial welling up to the surface, bubbling inside him so severely he thought he might actually vomit from the molten turmoil. _Was he making the right choice? Could he ever be happy on this path? What if it was as empty as **he** said?_

"Shut up!" He'd reached his boiling point. Throwing himself off the edge of the bed, he leapt across the room and ignited the saber, slashing lethal cuts into anything in his path. He screamed and thrusted and gutted and shouted himself hoarse. For a glorious minute he didn't have to think, to take responsibility, to feel anything but rage. And then, quite suddenly, the exhaustion took over once more, and he sagged to the floor, breathing heavily, the acrid, burning smell of twisted, charred metal in his nostrils.

Did he even remember what it felt like to be human anymore? But surely, no one but a human could feel this much pain. The pain of loss. Of soul-deep sadness. Of shame.

_You know my name._

Kylo shook his head, not beaten yet. _I will never say it. It died with you. It only exists in The Light, where I will never be. _

He paused, looking up from the floor to stare at the wall across from him. The black line he had ripped into it was still smoking slightly. _Right? It's not possible, after all I've done._

He had already glimpsed a taste of what lay on the other side of that choice the moment he had looked into that travel pod and locked eyes with her, in the flesh for the first time. When she had looked at him earnestly and saw something, had called him—. When he had seen her being tortured, expected to die a traitor's death at his hands, and he had killed his master for it. For her. But the moment had passed.

And here he was, still walking a tightrope, an unknown abyss on either side. He didn't know for how long the string would hold. He felt it getting thinner and thinner each day.

_But I'm still here. I'm the new Supreme Leader. _Did the words mean anything to him anymore?

_So you think you've won this little game of ours, do you?_

The voice was relentless. It taunted him. To his horror, he felt tears start to stab his eyes, and he buried his face in his hands. _This isn't a game,_ he thought wretchedly. _This is my life. And I don't know what to do with it. What I can do. What I should. What?_

_I pity you. I really do. _

He angrily wiped the tears from his cheeks, disgusted. _Oh, so now you feel sorry for me, do you?_

The longer he stayed in this untenable position, the more danger he was in. He knew that Hux was planning to rebel against him soon. He had read the man's hatred for him in his eyes the moment they had met, and time had only increased the feeling. With Snoke out of the picture, Kylo was the only person in Hux's path to ultimate power. He had no idea who would be on his side, or Hux's, when it came to a coup. Other people had collateral to use to pay allies: money, favors, influence. _Character, respect, loyalty, love_. He shook his head. The only payment he could make was the promise of power, and Hux could make the very same claim. He had nothing.

He snorted. Weaknesses all. But _he_ scoffed even louder. _Weakness, is it? To have friends—a family— who want nothing from you but love? Nothing but your self?_

He hated that he wanted to believe him, even for a second.

Much as he wanted to deny it, he couldn't. He could feel the grip of his own power tightening around him like a vice, every minute of every day, no longer a source of protection, but a threat. He felt his blood run cold at the thought.

Only monsters had cold blood.

Sometimes it seemed like fate, or The Force, was thwarting him at every turn, even when he achieved what he thought he wanted. Other times, his achievements fell like sand filtered through his fingers, slipping away too quickly, leaving nothing but loss and pain. What was it all for?

Did he want to be saved? Could he be? Who could ever believe in him after all of this? He didn't even believe in him. What was to stop Hux from taking everything? But did he even care if that happened? No First Order, no Resistance. What did he want anymore? Who was he?

The tears came freely now, and he didn't even try to stop them as he let out a wounded sob.

_You know my name._

"Leave me alone, Ben Solo," he whispered brokenly.

_You know your name. _


End file.
